Open letters to presidential candidates

Dear Mike Huckabee:

You don't understand the first damn thing about science, your ideas are empirically insane, and you don't deserve to be trusted with being manager of a Taco Bell, much less President of the United States. Really? Abortion is the cause of our "problems" with immigration? Do you even hear what is coming out of your mouth, you fucking nut?

And are you really dropping the 1930s "science says bees can't fly" thing? Honestly? Even though no one has bought into that since before World War II? Innovation and hard work are the core founding values of American society, and also, not coincidentally, the core values of scientific endeavor. We need yet another president hostile to science almost as much as we need an apocalyptic nuclear war.

Sincerely,
Everyone who isn't a blindered, card-carrying "Moral Values" Republican

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Dear Mitt Romney:

You're a lying sleazeball, and we all know it. You are willing to sell yourself to the highest political bidder. This is obvious. Pledging your support to that bidder does not disguise this truth. You disgust me. Your willingness to sell out your own faith to a powerful electoral base revolts even those of us who detest faith.

Sincerely,
Every American who heard your "Religion in America" speech

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Dear Rudy Giuliani:

You are the biggest asshole the world has ever seen. Why must everything link back to 9/11, Rudy? Do you really expect us to buy it when you tell us that our generation reminds you of "the Greatest Generation" because of "what they've been through"? How simpleminded do you take us to be? Do you really expect us to buy into your notion that Iran is the root of all evil, and was responsible for the attack on "your" city? Every campaign ad you publish makes us hate you more and more.

And please, please, stop using the phrase "the Greatest Generation." They were no greater than the rest of us. It's really not my fault that I don't have a Hitler to fight, okay?

Sincerely,
Everyone under the age of 80

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Dear Hillary Clinton:

I don't trust you. You're cold and conniving and entirely too willing to jump on any old bandwagon, who it harms be damned, for a particular block of votes. You espouse many things this country needs, but I don't like you. I'm going to vote for you anyway, because you listen to Jay Inslee, and because there aren't any better alternatives.

Don't fuck this up.

Sincerely,
John Marshall and the rest of the state of Washington

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Dear Barack Obama:

I can't get a read on you, because you never actually make any statements about what your core values are. You promise money to this thing or that, but you never actually let us know who you are. You also make clumsy attempts to engage the old, busted 1960s Civil Rights mentality that has long since served its purpose and should be allowed to die out. That bothers and alienates me.

For these reasons, and because I don't think you can win because, sorry, not your fault or mine, but our country is still too racist, I am not wasting my vote on you.

Sincerely,
Young voters of America, the very people you're trying to engage

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Dear Dennis Kucinich, Ron Paul, John Edwards, and other presidential candidates who have no hope of winning:

You all know you have no chance. Seriously. What the hell? Why are you wasting money on your joke of a campaign? You have millions of dollars in your war chest, and there are people all over the world who could desperately use that money. Why do you insist on continuing with your stupid, doomed, pointless candidacy? There is no goddamned point to you running more TV spots or posting more fliers; you will not win, ever.

I would be more likely to vote for you if you gave all your money to a good charity than if you advertised one more time in my state, and for that matter, you'd get a lot of free publicity for doing something like that. Think it over. Or don't, and continue to be selfish pricks. See if I care.

Sincerely,
Everyone who isn't going to vote for you, a.k.a. the vast majority of Americans